Every so often I find myself running the gauntlet. Today is one of those days.
It’s like I’m trapped in a scene from ‘Maze Runner’ or ‘Divergent’ or another one of those teenage movies that I actually really enjoy. Or perhaps in one of those combat computer-games, such as ‘Call of Duty’. I remember playing something of that ilk years ago with my Brother, back when computer graphics were (thankfully) not as realistic as they are today.
Trapped in an endless, dark maze with ‘bad guys’ jumping out and firing at you, at every turn. You have to take them out and keep running, in a desperate bid to get to the end without being killed yourself. “Never top running.” Whether you fail at this level, or make it to the next one, you find yourself back at the start of the same gauntlet, or a new one, ready to face the whole ordeal all over again.
Except I’m not in a movie or a computer game, I’m in my life. And it’s exhausting! Metaphorically running the gauntlet in my mind; my experience being played on a loop.
For the last few years, prior to leaving my job in advertising, the backdrop of my gauntlet was always work-themed. I’ve levelled up from there — seen through that particular illusion — and the background has now changed. However, the experience is pretty much the same: struggle and suffering, plagued by a feeling of overwhelming insecurity.
Of course, none of it is real, it’s all made of thought. An imaginary combat zone, filled with imaginary bad guys, and an imaginary version of me: armoured up and running for my life. That made-up idea of self is gripped; who I really am is both able to notice it from a distance and be totally immersed in it, even though I’m definitely not enjoying it!
Sometimes I’m lost in the story of my thinking, at other times I can see through it so clearly and I’m back in the flow of life.
I’m safe, I’m whole, I have everything I need. I am at peace again…
…until the next time I find myself entering the maze. Or until I see something fresh and new about the nature of my gauntlet-running!
I know from personal experience (and that of many friends), that quite often when we realise our experience is created in thought, we somehow think we’ll be immune to it. As if we can hack into and bypass our humanness. We’ve seen through the illusion, so how could we possibly fall for it again? And if we jump on that thought-train and ride it for a while, we can give ourselves a really hard time for doing so.
For now though, I am just grateful that I seem to realise what’s going on pretty quickly; after far less suffering than in previous times, I return to the real world of peace and possibility.
Photo credit: canva
